Craig's Famous Quotations Page

Citations are provided where available.

There are 0x40000000 types of people, those who understand 32-bit IEEE 754 floating point, and those who don't.

— (unknown)

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

— (unknown)

Emacs is a wonderful operating system. All it lacks is a decent text editor.

— (unknown)

The alien mothership is in orbit here. If we can hit that bull's-eye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards… Checkmate!

— 25-Star General Zap Brannigan, Futurama

A mechanic and a surgeon are sitting in a bar. The mechanic says, "Hey doc, I do the same stuff you do. I take apart the valves and parts of this engine and when I'm done it works like new. Why is it you get paid so much more than I do when we're basically doing the same work?" The surgeon put down his drink, turned to the mechanic and said, "Try doing that with the engine running."

— (unknown)

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
-- (unknown)

Listening to both sides of a story will convince you that there is more to a story than both sides.
-- Frank Tyger

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
-- Philip K. Dick

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
-- Abraham Lincoln

Most passport pictures are good likenesses, and it is time we faced it.
-- Katharine Brush

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident, you begin to worry about history.
-- (unknown)

Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
— (unknown)

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has.
— Margaret Mead

Curiosity was framed; ignorance killed the cat.
— (unknown)

The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
— Muhammad Ali

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of demand.

Law of Negotiation: A negotiation shall be considered successful if all parties walk away feeling screwed.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
— Charlie Brown

My Karma ran over my Dogma.
— (unknown)

Having a baby is like having a puppy that slowly learns to talk.
— (unknown)

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
— Carl Sagan

Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
-- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
-- Elias Root Beadle

Any good geek knows that halloween and christmas are the same thing: OCT 31 == DEC 25.
-- unknown

Arachninecronymphocranialpheliaphobiacs Unite!
-- Scott (?)

[Though, I don't think that spiders have skulls.]

The simplest schoolboy is now familiar with facts for which Archimedes would have sacrificed his life.
-- Ernest Renan

Doppler Effect: The tendency for stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
-- unknown

Women who are not vain about their clothes are often vain about not being vain about their clothes.
-- unknown

The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.
-- unknown

No wonder women live longer than men - look how long they remain girls.
-- unknown

Even a fickle woman is loyal to one man - until she prefers another.
-- unknown

Scientists have discovered a food that destroys a woman's sex drive: Wedding Cake.
-- unknown

It is no small art to sleep; to achieve it one must keep awake all day.
-- Nietzsche

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.
--Sir Winston Churchill

There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
-- unknown

In Googlis non est, ergo non est.
Anonymous Coward/MORTAR_COMBAT ("If it is not on Google, it does not exist.")

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
-- Dave Barry

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
-- Benjamin Franklin

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
-- J.S. Bach

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
-- unknown

Moral: don't blindly adopt what works for someone else without knowing *why* it works.
-- Rufus Polson

Everything takes longer than you expect, even when you fake it.
-- Not Hofstadter's Law

The only difference between an accordion and a trampoline is that you take you shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
-- Red Green

"2*b || !(2*b)" is a tautology.
-- unknown

Remember the strip where Calvin's dad explained to him how they calculate the weight limit on bridges? He said they drove heavier and heavier trucks across it until it collapsed, then they rebuilt it exactly the same way and set the limit at the weight of the last truck that made it across.
-- Tsar

No amount of careful planning can ever replace dumb luck.
-- unknown

It's bad luck to be superstitious.
-- unknown (2001-08-13)

Same shit, different millenium.
-- ReidMaynard (2001-08-09)

Sine of the Beast: -0.01764165.
-- unknown

668: neighbor of the beast.
-- unknown

Dasunt's Law - Everything inside a computer will evolve to a state where it requires active cooling.
-- dasunt (2001-07-12)

Swinzig's Law: The number of people talking about how long Moore's Law will last doubles every 18-24 months.
-- teddy_swinzig (2001-06-10)

I used to be an idealist, but then I got mugged by reality.
-- unknown

"When I die I would like to be born again as me."
-- Hugh Hefner, speaking at Oxford

"History does not repeat itself," Mark Twain once said.
"It rhymes."

If the bible proves the existance of God, then Superman comics prove the existance of Superman.
-- Usenet

Backups are for wimps. Real men upload their data to an FTP site and have everyone else mirror it.
-- Linus Torvalds

"We, the sheeple..."
-- decaf_dude

I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
-- Win Ben Stein's Money

On the sixth day, God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today, I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, oceans filled with cod, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil and minerals, with verdant forests, so as to make the inhabitants prosper. I shall call these inhabitants Canadians. They shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the neighbours I'm going to give them."
-- anon

"After The Matrix, I cannot wear sunglasses. As soon as I put them on, people recognise me."
-- Carrie-Anne Moss ("Trinity", The Matrix)

-- unknown

The only way that three people can keep a secret is if two of them are dead.
-- Benjamin Franklin

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!
-- unknown

Have you ever noticed how good-looking girls get offended a lot less often than not-so-good-looking girls?
-- Glenn Stowe

Linux - the Unix defragmentation tool.
-- cyber-vandal(?)

This message protected by double ROT-13 encryption!
-- after

If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution.
-- Robert Sewell

There's a sucker born again every minute.
-- Win Ben Stein's Money

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
-- Will Durant

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterwards that's the tricky part.
-- unknown

Safety, freedom, quality of life. Choose any two.
-- unknown

Men are only as loyal as their options.
-- Bill Mahr

Factoid: The holiday abbreviation X-mas came about because X is the first letter of Christ's name in Greek (X = Chi).
-- Win Ben Stein's Money

After you stop believing in Santa Claus, all you get is underware.
-- unknown

McGowan's Christmas Shopping Axiom:
If an item is avertised as UNDER $50, you can bet it's not $19.95.

The Oil Spill Principle:
People will accept any bad news if the magnitude of the disaster is revealed gradually.

Booker T. Washington's Rule:
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.

"You've got questions. We've got batteries."
-- A more appropriate Radio Shack slogan?

Anderson's Rule of Purchase:
Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
-- Steven Wright

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
-- anonymous

Interesting facts:

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
-- unknown

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody even thinks of complaining.
-- Anonymous

Cameron's Law:
An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead.
-- Some dead guy

Ameringer's Axiom:
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.

Planer's Rule:
An exception granted becomes a right expected the next time it is requested.

Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it. -- Seymour Cray, commenting on virtual memory

Winfield's Dictum of Direction Giving:
The likelihood of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction giver says "You can't miss it."

Coleman's Commentary on Santayana:
Those who fail to learn from the past are condemned to repeat history class.

Kissinger's Axiom:
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. -- Michael Sinz

Third Law of Research:
The theory is supported as long as the funding remains.

"But heck, I just applied for a job as a Solaris admin and got: 'Could you send me your resume in DOC format??' I sent it as a perl app instead." -- HamNRye

Glynn's Law: The amount of aggrevation inherenet in a business transaction is inversely proportional to the profit.

Law of Hierarchical Communications:
The inevitable result of improved communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.

Eng's Principle:
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.

Segmentation fault
Caffeine underflow
Brain dumped
-- unknown

Cooper's Meta-Law:
A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.

Sy's Law of Science:
Sometimes it takes several years to recognize the obvious.

Murphy's Second Universal Law:
If they say "you'll get used to it", you won't.

Hagan's Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.

Tussman's Law:
Nothing is inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

McFee's Maxim:
Matter can neither be created nor destroyed. However, it can be lost.

Bershader's Law:
Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same laboratory.

Murphy's Airport Axiom:
Your flight never leaves from gate #1.

If ignorance is bliss, then why aren't more people happy.
-- unknown

The Reja-Jansen Law:
On the first pull of the cord, the drapes move the wrong way.

Patterson's Observation:
The only people who find what they are looking for are those who are looking for errors.

This is the nineties. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first.
-- Joe Hallenbeck, The Last Boy Scout

"What do 13 people in Seattle know that we don't?"
-- H. Ross Perot (1981), contemplating Microsoft acquisition

First Principle of Gardening:
The standard size of a garden hose is "too short."

Never doubt the ability of a vocal minority to sound like they are the majority.
-- unknown

I'll pretend like there's something witty here and you pretend like you laughed at it.
-- unknown, used as a .signature

Larson's Bureaucratic Principle: Accomplishing the impossible means only that your boss will add it to your regular duties.

Stay up hacking each weekend. Sleep is for the week.
-- unknown

So Linus, what are we doing tonight?
The same thing we do every night Tux. Try to take over the world!
-- unknown

Ellis's Observation:
Progress is the exchange of one nuisance for another.

Kushner's Law:
The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely proportional to the number of other people who are in a position to do it instead.

Young's Law:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.

The Leprechaun Lemma:
When you reach the end of the rainbow, you will find that the pot of gold is at the other end.

Raphael's Law of Business:
The less the staff has to do, the slower they do it.

Herman's Law:
A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
-- unknown

Embrace, Extend, Extinguish
-- describing the Microsoft approach to standards

Armey's Axiom:
You can't get ahead while getting even.

Trust in God, but assert preconditions.
-- unknown

Calvin Coolidge's Comment:
You don't have to explain something you never said.

Fulton's Law of Gravitivity:
The effort of catching a falling object will cause more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first place.

The fact that nobody understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
-- unknown

The first thing we do, let's kill all the fucking lawyers.
-- William Shakespeare, paraphrased

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
-- unknown

Cat, The other white meat.
-- unknown

600 MHz of wholesome 64-bit goodness.
-- after ars technia

Murphy's Sixth Corollary:
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

False: A penny falling from height of Empire State building will embed in pavement.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

True: CDs are the size they are because it could hold Beethoven's 9th symphony.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: People explode/boil/something in the vacuum of space.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ (apparently, you won't get permanent injuries for a couple of minutes if you don't hold your breath)

True: Venus and perhaps a few other bright stars/planets can be seen in daylight.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

True: Subliminal messages in advertising are ineffective, but outlawed anyway.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

True: Some combinations of metal tooth fillings can receive radio signals.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: People only use 10% of their brain capacity (whatever that means).
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: If the entire population of China jumped up at the same time: a) the Earth's orbit would be disturbed, b) the entire US would be swamped by a tidal wave.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: Swimming right after eating will cause cramps and you'll drown.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

True: MRI used to be called "Nuclear MRI", but "N" was dropped due to nuke fear.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

True: Daylight Savings Time was introduced to conserve coal, despite opposition from agricultural interests.
-- ~alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: Scientists once concluded that bumblebees couldn't fly.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: No two snowflakes are alike.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: Hair grows back thicker or faster if you shave it.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

Believed True: After your head is cut off by a guillotine you have 13 seconds of consciousness (+/- 1 or 2).
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: Knuckle cracking will lead to arthritis. [Though you might get other problems].
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: Albert Einstein did poorly in school.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: Phil Collins' song "In the Air Tonight" is about a death witnessed by Phil.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ (it was inspired by his first wife leaving him)

False: Thomas Crapper invented the flush toilet.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ (he did improve it, though)

False: Otto Titzling invented the brassiere.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

True: Studies indicate that the majority of US currency has traces of cocaine.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

True: "In like Flynn" is from Errol Flynn's acquittal on statutory rape charges.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: The expression "rule of thumb" came from an old practice that permitted husbands to beat their wives as long as it was with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: Various university libraries sink; books heavier than architect thought!
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

Believed True: The Kennedy family made their fortune from smuggling Scotch during prohibition.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

True: "Little Mermaid" video cover features good drawing of a penis. Prank? Revenge?
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

True: Disney caused people to believe that Lemmings suicide in march to sea. During the filming of the 1958 Disney nature documentary White Wilderness, the film crew induced lemmings into jumping off a cliff and into the sea in order to document their supposedly suicidal behavior.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: Ship captains, on their own authority, can perform marriages.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

True: Gerbils are illegal in California. [CA Reg. Title 14, Sec. 671 (c)(2)(J) 1].
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

Believed True: Gerbils are trained to sniff drugs in Canada. Those Canadians!
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

Believed True: UK people drive on the left (etc) to allow easy sword access in old days.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

False: In great desperation, mother lifts car off and rescues trapped child.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

True: "The Club" is lame because a thief could cut through the wheel in no time.
-- alt.folklore.urban FAQ

Philo's Law: To learn from your mistakes, you first must realize that you are making mistakes.

Bill Gates is a white Persian cat and a monocle away from becoming another James Bond villain... "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to upgrade."
-- Dennis Miller

The only problem with common sense is that it is not too common.
-- unknown

Toys get cooler, why are we getting older?
-- CmdrTaco, Slashdot

Subtle mind control? Why do all these HTML buttons say 'Submit'?
-- Chad Okere, self apointed Unquestioned Lord of the internet(TM)

Now, I know the Constitution isn't perfect, but it's a lot better than the system we've got.
-- antizeus

Evil will always triumph over good, because good is dumb.
-- Dark Helmet (Spaceballs)

Q: What is the #1 remote-administration tool for Windows NT?
A: A car.

Artifical intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-- unknown

As I said last week, I'll be done tomorrow.
-- unknown

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
-- Steve Martin

Pfeiffer's Law of Emergency Preparedness
The one emergency you are fully prepared to meet never occurs.

Parkinson's Sixth Law
The progress of science varies inversely with the number of journals published.

Murphy's Paradox
Doing it the hard way is always easier.

Gualtieri's Law of Inertia
Where there's a will, there's a won't.

Twain's Observation of Science
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such a wholesale return of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

From birth to eighteen a girl needs good parents,
From eighteen to thirty-five she needs good looks,
From thirty-five to fifty-five she needs a good personality,
From fifty-five on, she needs good cash.
-- Sophie Tucker

Windows 95: 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand for 1 bit of competition.
-- unknown

Ever notice that the AT&T Logo looks like the DEATH STAR?
-- unknown

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
-- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.
-- Monica Piper

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock.
-- unknown

If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming to high.
-- unknown

"How ironic. Two more days and I would have completed my tunnel."
-- Doctor Flamond being rescued in Top Secret! (1984)

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
-- unknown

College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
-- unknown

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
-- unknown

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
-- unknown

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.
-- unknown

Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
-- unknown

Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up.
-- Tom Stoppard

Some people have a large circle of friends while others have only friends that they like.
-- unknown

'Anonymous' sure was a smart guy!
-- unknown

When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A buttered-cat array could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and giant buttered-cat arrays could easily allow a high-speed monorail to link between New York with Chicago.
-- unknown

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use acronyms; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
-- unknown

Programming can be summed up easily: "Faster, Better, Cheaper: Choose 2"
-- unknown

"All great truths begin as blasphemies."
-- George Bernard Shaw

You can't change a man, but you can always freshen up a furnace filter.
-- Mag Ruffman, home-repair babe

I have seen the future and it doesn't work.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Sam: Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt. That's the first thing they teach you.
Vincent: Who taught you?
Sam: I don't remember. That's the second thing they teach you.
-- Ronin

Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
-- Henry Spencer

There's nothing like flying blind, but I generally prefer to have the straitjacket loosened a little when piloting...
-- Rob Atkinson

Failing to plan is planning to fail.

Being a graduate student is like becoming all of the Seven Dwarves. In the beginning you're Dopey and Bashful. In the middle, you are usually sick (Sneezy), tired (Sleepy), and irritable (Grumpy). But at the end, they call you Doc, and then you're Happy.
-- Ronald T. Azuma

The Feynman Problem Solving Algorithm:
1) Write down the problem.
2) Think very hard.
3) Write down the solution.

To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.
-- Chinese proverb

If it weren't for lack of context, there would be no news.
-- Scott Adams

Thank god I'm an athiest!

"I must say the linux community is a lot nicer than the unix community. A negative comment on unix would warrent death threats. With Linux, it is like stirring up a nest of butterflies."
-- Ken Thompson (creator of Unix)

"That's when I said things I knew nothing about and had little wherewithal to complete. Now, I say things I know plenty about and have no time to complete."
-- Dave Taylor, a software developer

"Microsoft does have a Year 2000 problem. We're it."
-- "BOredAtWork", a Linux user (1999)

"Mind you, this is the german -> babelfish -> english translation, so be warned. A yoda filter would be just as correct."
-- "AtariDatacenter", commenting on the quality of automatic language translation

Q: Why don't the British make computers?
A: They couldn't figure out a way for them to leak oil.

Save the whales. Feed the hungry. Free the mallocs.

"One World, One Web, One Program" - (Mock) Microsoft Promotional Ad
"Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer" - Adolf Hitler

Quite frankly, I'll be happy man if I never have to see that little paper clip again. Ever.
-- Hemos, talking about Microsoft Word

I try to run rtfm, but I get the message 'rtfm: command not found'

GPL -- The Source will be with you. Always.

"Not guilty by reason of celebrity."
-- unknown

What's the leading cause of forest fires? Trees.
-- Tristan Flynn(?)

"Plug&Pray (tm)"
-- unknown

"I hear that if you play the NT 4.0 CD backwards, you get a Satanic message!"
"That's nothing. If you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0!"
-- Andrew J. Hutton

Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.
-- Ford Fairlane

It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

Bruce's First Law of General System Dynamics:
Things are always more complicated than you would like them to be.
-- Craig Bruce, 1998-12-30

It's a good thing that there was an extra hour this weekend. I needed it to set all of my clocks back.
-- Bill Lalonde

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
-- Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld

Internet people love acronyms because they make communication much more efficient, as we can see from the following typical conversation:
Person A: What's up?
Person B: Not much.
Person A: LOL. HEFY?
Person B: ROTFL.
-- Dave Barry, Dave Barry In Cyberspace

Have you ever wondered how the ex button on your calculator works? It's not like it pushes the ex button on another, smaller calculator inside.
-- Prof. Mendevil, MATH 138, University of Waterloo

Our manager wants to meet with me tomorrow because he is losing track of how far behind we are.
-- Mike Galluchon

I like her because she has a great pair of.... spirit.
-- Glenn Stowe

I think that the average consumer has a massive karma debt.
-- Glenn Stowe

Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
-- Calvin

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

I believe OS/ be the most important OS...of all time.
-- Bill Gates, 1987

(In a conversation with Daphne on Frasier)
Daphne: "Don't tell me that you've never used sex to get what you want"
Frasier: "Men can't use sex to get what we want. Sex *IS* what we want."

So, when you think about it, kissing is just pressing your lips up against the sweet end of 66 feet of intestines.
-- Oswald, Drew Carey

In order to have a hierarchy, you've got to get a lowerarchy, too.
-- Bill Bruce

Today's rebel is tomorrow's tyrant.
-- proverb

If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for skydiving.
-- Victor O'Reilly, Games of the Hangman

RAM = Rarely Adequate Memory

Vidi, vici, veni. (I saw, I conquered, I came.)

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.

Handwritten on a condom machine; "This gum tastes funny."

Did you ever notice that "love" spelled backwards is "evil"? Well, not exactly, but it's still pretty scary.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

"Shoot the arrow first, draw the bullseye later."
-- proverb

When you get a car, you start to find that you have some "rainy-weather friends".
-- Glenn Stowe

It is only when a man is not thinking what he is doing that you can be sure he is doing what he is thinking.

"Oh come on, Frasier. That's not a `relationship'. The only thing you two have in common is the faint impression of the word `Sealy' on your backs."
-- Niles Crane, Frasier

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Erotic is using a feather; Kinky is using the whole chicken.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Now let us retract the foreskin of misconception and apply the wire brush of enlightenment.
-- Geoff Miller

The graduates...
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
-- Mark Lukey

I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
-- Dogbert

Cartmans Fatass accepts Jesus' shaft
-- Actual generated Quake message

We can forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.
-- Plato

10 things that sound dirty at the office, but aren't:

I need you to whip it out by 5!
Mind if I use your laptop?
Put this in my box before I leave.
If I have to lick one more I'll gag!
I want it on my desk now!
Hmm... I think it's out of fluid.
My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish.
It's an entry level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!
I would give her my hard drive, but she's scuzzy . . .

9 out of 10 men who try Camels perfer women.

Politics: Poli = Many, Tics = Blood-sucking parasites.

The early bird gets the worm... and the second mouse gets the cheese.
— Steven Wright

SOUND ADVICE: 90% sound, 10% advice.

Computers run on blue smoke. If it leaks out, they will no longer work.
-- proverb

About the time we think we can make ends meet, someone moves the ends.
-- Herbert Hoover

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Famous pickup line:
Pardon me, but I am writing a phone book - can I have your number?

Famous pickup line:
Do you have a boyfriend? Well when you want a MAN-friend, come and talk to me!

Famous pickup line:
What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?

People who think they know everything are the easiest to fool.

If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't be called "research".

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
-- Pancho Villa -Last Words-

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
-- Jeff marder

Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.
-- A sign at an ice cream parlor

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

The rich get richer; the poor get babies.

Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK!"

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
-- Unix Fortune

An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.
-- Unix Fortune

I haven't yet met Mr. Right, but I've met Mr. Cheap, Mr. Rude, and Mr. Married.
-- Anonymous

If silence is a weapon, then I am defenseless!
-- Anonymous

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have because the older she gets the more interested he becomes.
-- Agatha Christie

The latest fad, giving birth under water, may be less traumatic for the baby, but it's more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
-- Elayne Boosler

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-- Elayne Boosler

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

If crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
-- George Carlin

If you can not answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
-- Elbert Hubbard

Reality is only an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
-- Albert Einstein

A tragedy is marrying a man for love and finding out he has no money.
-- Cindy Garner

An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
-- Robert Heinlein

Arrogance is bliss.
-- Elizabeth L. Kaminsky

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
-- Maugham

From the jaws of victory, he snatched defeat.
-- Abraham Lincoln about Gen. George McLellan

When the grammar checker identifies an error, it suggests a correction and can even makes some changes for you.
-- Microsoft Word for Windows 2.0 User's Guide

The only ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
-- Dorothy Parker

I think, therefore I'm single.
-- Liz Winston

I worry that the person who thought up "Muzac" may be thinking up something else.
-- Lily Tomlin

Years ago fairy tales began with "Once upon a time . . .".
Now it's "If I am elected . . .".
-- Carolyn Warner

Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.
-- zinger

"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son.
-- Unix Fortune

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
-- Rich Kulawiec

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
-- Robin Hood

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenominally unlikely payoffs.
-- Scott Adams, _The Dilbert Principle_

Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same.
-- Scott Adams, _The Dilbert Principle_

Ancient history isn't something carved in stone.
-- Prof. Ager, CLAS 251, University of Waterloo

Now any idiot -- well, maybe not any idiot, but many idiots -- can look at this and dope out a solution.
-- Prof. Cunningham, C&O 350, University of Waterloo

Canadian Unity: Something that works in practice, but which just doesn't work in theory.
-- Bowser & Blue

COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore I am a waffle.

VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.

You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny?
-- Prof. David Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Waterloo, profQUOTE

Taylorize, vb.: To make improvements to a program during the documentation cycle because an existing 'feature' or manual procedure is so ugly that it would to too horrible to write about.

Visual Basic ... is more like a lego set than a programming language.
-- c64ever

"EASY TO INSTALL" = Difficult to install, but instruction manual has pictures.

Windows is a nice body on a lousy chassis, which X-Windows provides a lousy body for a great chassis. In the end, users will choose the nice looking body (Windows)."
-- Devin Cook

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.

(when asked how much sleep he'd gotten...)
"I'd have to do a 'last' to find out when I went to bed last night."
-- Mike Galluchon, Software Developer

If you thought going to the dentist was painful, you should try Solaris.
-- Dave Kennedy

Fellows' Law: All fixed-size fields are too small.
-- Prof. David Fellows, UNB

Someone's Signature:

A distributed system is one in which I cannot get something done because a machine I've never heard of is down!
-- Leslie Lamport

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, is Bambi squashed beneath it any less dead?
-- Mason Capwell

Smarter than a speeding bullet!
-- Bullwinkle(?)

I feel like a God-damned mushroom - kept in the dark and fed bullshit!
-- Impulse, the movie

Eat well, sleep well, and work like hell.
-- The Astronomers

...but, as with most meetings, the real progress came later...
-- The Astronomers

He's looking at you like you're a frog in Bio-101.
-- Al, Quantum Leap

Wouldn't be any fun if they just fell over with their legs in the air!
-- Cocktail, the movie

Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
-- Mason Capwell

I just got paid and I want to get ...
-- Bud, Married... With Children

Politically Correct term: 'G(g)od(dess)(es)'
-- The Bruns

How's your wife and my kids?

Ted, what you know about women could be engraved on the head of a pin -- in three different languages!
-- Angela Cassidy

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
-- Oscar Levant

The more things change, the more they suck!
-- Beavis & Butt-Head

The truth is out there.
-- The X-Files

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.

Well you can imagine what happened; things went from bad... to free thought.
-- James Burke, _Connections_

You have the right to free speech, as long as you're not dumb enough to actually try it.
-- The Clash

Alexander Graham Bell: "Mr. Watson, come here, I want you!"
And a voice came back to him: "Meridian Mail... Mr. Watson is on the phone...."

Save the Humans.
-- poster on Doogie Howser

Capt. Kirk: "I have a plan, Mr. Spock..."
Mr. Spock: "I'm all ears, Captain..."

A 20-year plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #48: The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
-- Star Trek: DS9

Accidents don't just happen; they must be carelessly planned.
-- Disney

Apology accepted, Captain Needa.
-- Darth Vader (right after choking him to death with The Force)

You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
-- Ben Kenobi about to read uw.general

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.

Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned...

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
-- Shakespeare

PC Bulletin: Henceforth, sentient computers would like to be known as 'Silicon Intelligences.' 'Artificial Intelligence' is a pejorative term invented by humans based on the mistaken belief that computers are somehow not 'natural.'

Sin - I didn't invent it - I'm only trying to perfect it!

A lawyer is an expert on justice in the same way that a whore is an expert on love.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

Nietzsche is dead.
-- God

Why is it that when they show a computer ad they show computers and when they show a car ad they show cars but when they show a condom ad they show people playing tennis?

The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers!
-- Beavis

Seminars, n.: From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.

If you don't have anything good to say... say it often!
-- Ed the Sock

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Now is the time for the quick brown fox to jump over the moon.

We are not inheriting the Earth from our ancestors, we are borrowing it from our children.

"Puberty is when you separate the boys from the girls. Sometimes with a crowbar."
-- Beakman

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
-- (unknown)

No one can hurt your feelings without your consent.
-- E. Roosevelt

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

"I don't have an overactive imagination... I have an underactive reality...

...and I see your schwartz is as big as mine!
-- Dark Helmet

Two bulls are on the top of a hill looking down at a herd of cows. The young bull says to the older bull, 'pop, let's run down there and fuck one of those cows.' The papa bull says, 'no, son, let's walk down there and fuck 'em all.'
-- Colors, the movie

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

Nice guys don't finish last, they stay on the bench!

The US government spends billions and billions of dollars on bombs and welfare -- hard to say which is more destructive.
-- N.H's.D., paraphrased

He's dead Jim. You grab his tricorder and I'll get his wallet.

Nobody comes here any more because it's too crowded!
-- Ken Cadby

God: Santa Claus for grown-ups.
-- James Morrow

I've heard the best form of birth control is to point and laugh.
-- Dan Newcombe

"I was born in Canada"...
"What part?"
"All of me"

They keep you doped with religion and sex and TV,
'Til you think you're so clever and classless and free.
But you're still f*****g peasants as far as I can see...
-- John Lennon

I prefer dark chocolate, especially with nuts, but that doesn't mean I should legislate that you have to eat it.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup

...the product of a mind that was not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
-- Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe, and Everything

FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."
-- Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggie!' until you can find a suitable rock."

Wedding rings: the world's smallest handcuffs.
-- Judi Phelps

Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour."
-- Ambrose Bierce

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

Youth is wasted on the young.
-- Richard Marx

Winning isn't everything, but losing sucks.
-- Larry Kahn

"A Canadian???? What's that?"
"It's kind of like an American, but with out the gun." *ching*

Another kind of perfect 10: A 4 with a 6-pack.
-- Gary Benson

I used to be sad because I had no woman.
Then I met a man who had no hands.
-- Rick Riebs

Who created God?
-- Carl Sagan

Interviewer: "When you left [acting school], were you giving up the expectation of being an actor?"
Donald Sutherland: "No. I was giving up the expectation of being a student."

What about us women? When do we have sex? Does no one care? Are we not human? If you cut us do we not bleed? If you fuck us do we not scream?
-- Bec Bec

The only true failed attempt is the one that isn't made.

... Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.

Men want the same things from a relationship as women.....only MORE SEX!
-- T-Rex

If it works tax it. If it dies subsidize it.
-- Alain Simon(?) on the Canadian government

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
- Benjamin Franklin

A policeman's job is only easy in a police state.
-- Orson Welles

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
-- Lazarus Long

He who will not reason, is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave.
-- Sir William Drummond

Today's agenda: Tug on Superman's cape, spit into wind, pull mask off Lone Ranger, mess with Jim.
-- Ed Dravecky III

If I love you, what concern is it of yours?
-- Goethe

If it's nae Scottish...IT'S CRRRRAP!!!
-- Michael Myers, SNL

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him walk on it.
-- Gary Larson

Definition of a Jury: Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
-- Robert Frost

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
-- last words of General John Sedgwick (1864)

And here are tonight's hockey scores... ZERO!! Ha ha ha!!!
-- This Hour Has 22 Minutes (in 1994)

<Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...>

Democracy: Two wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner.

I'm not an actor, but I do play one on TV.

Sometimes you're the windshield,
Sometimes you're the bug.
--Dire Straits

have you ever sent a fax, from the beach?
have you ever tucked your kids into bed, from an airport?
have you ever paid a $50,000 phone bill?
you will. and the company to bring it to you? at&t
-- unknown, parodying an AT&T commercial

Eye of newt, spleen of censor...

Stay out of this, your highness. We had a revolution to get rid of people like you, you know."
-- Ruth-Ann Miller, Northern Exposure

If the bible weren't The Bible, it would be banned by the bible-thumpers.
-- Leslie Rosenblood(?)

...self-interest groups...
-- Pat Merlihan

Smiles, everyone. Smiles!
--Mr. Rourke

I have never seen a statue of a committee.

Being honest is another form of selfishness.

The Soviet Union was bound to fall, it was on the edge of the map.
--Kelly Bundy, on Married With Children

You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the fuck is my ROOF ?!?"

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand...
-- President's Choice Insider's Report (R), Nov. 19, 1994

Why don't you go bungee jumping -- with a chain!

If privacy is outlawed, only outlaws will have privacy.
-- Philip Zimmermann

The floggings will continue until morale improves.

Are vegetarians allowed to eat animal crackers?

There is always death and taxes. However death doesn't get worse every year.

Never confuse knowledge with intelligence.

A sick mind is a terrible thing to waste.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing when you're thinking about a mother.
-- Cliff Clavin, Cheers

If you can't have fun with four dozen rubber inflated hands, you just ain't tryin'!
-- Carla, Cheers

Volvo, Video, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Books burn at 451 degrees Farenheit; it's getting warm out here.
-- some guy interviewed on _Across Canada_

All nouns can be verbed.
-- NHD

Patience: A minor form of despair disguised as virtue.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Men never do evil so completely and cheefully as when they do it from religious conviction.
-- Blaise Pascal

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
-- Howard Aiken

My Canada includes Florida.
-- eye

You can please some of the people all the time
You can please all of the people some of the time,
But you CERTAINLY can Piss them ALL OFF AT ONCE!!!

If vegetarians eat only vegetables, beware the humanitarians!

Having a smoking section in a resteraunt is like having a urinating and non-urinating section in a swimming pool!!!

Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion
-- Richard Burton

I love you. You love me.
Please don't touch me there Bar-ney.

Never Trust A Skinny Chef

Very funny Scotty, now beam me my clothes!
-- bumper sticker(?)

When I get to heaven, God's got a *lot* to answer for.

Americans like to talk about (or be told about) Democracy but, when put to the test, usually find it to be an `inconvenience.'
-- Frank Zappa

Revenge is a dish that is best served cold... I'll bide my time until.... Oh what the hell, I'll just crush him like an ant."
-- Mr. Burns plotting revenge on Homer Simpson

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever!

This is America, dammit. Stop speaking that weird foreign language and learn to speak Spanish!"
-- proverb

Art is not a mirror. Art is a hammer.
-- Bertolt Brecht

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
-- Eric Praetzel

There's been so much concern about what might happen that what's actually happening has passed almost unnoticed.
-- Eric Praetzel

You can visualize a hundred cats. Beyond that, you can't. Two hundred, five hundred, it all looks the same.
-- Jack Wright, owner of 689 cats

I'm more of a man than you will ever be, and more of a woman than you will ever get!
-- some unidentified woman

Q: What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.

To err is human, to moo bovine.
-- zinger

2nd Century thoughts on MTV:
"There is no public entertainment which does not inflict spiritual damage"
-- Tertullian

When you say Budweiser, you've said...
the pain reliever doctors prescribe most.
-- Greg B.

Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slackjawed troglodytes just cost me the election, but if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
-- Mr. Burns, The Simpsons

Did you know that "IF" is the middle word in life?
--Col. Kurtz, Apocalypse Now

AARGH Captain Kirk! I dinna know if the spell checker can take much more of this!
-- Douglas Morton(?)

Alimony: the screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Whether you believe you can, or whether you believe you can't, you're absolutely right.
--Henry Ford

I know things look good from the top, but decay always travels from the bottom up.
--Mr. Poster Children

Whoever dies with the most toys still dies.
-- No Fear

Near as I can tell, complaining about not getting the latest version of Windows is like complaining about not getting the latest version of influenza.
--James Nicoll Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.
--George Santayana

Prejudice will ultimately fail when children finally stop listening to their parents.

The more you learn, the better your luck.
-- proverb

Jill off all you want :-)
-- Loren Petrich (inventing a feminine form of "Jack off")

Working in groups is difficult when you're omnipotent.
-- Q

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it." -- Ronald Reagan
"If we can't fix it, it ain't broke!" -- US Army Engineer Corps

It has been discovered that C++ provides a remarkable facility for concealing the trival details of a program - such as where its bugs are.
-- David Keppel

The history of liberty is a history of the limitation of governmental power, not the increase of it.
-- Woodrow Wilson, 1912

All games contain the idea of death.
-- Jim Morrison

In an intellectually equal society, who will be the busboys?
-- Lenny Bruce

SCULLY: "Mulder, toads just fell from the sky!"
MULDER: "Guess their parachutes didn't open."

You won't see very clearly when you're generating more heat than light.

When a nation's young men are conservative, its funeral bell is already rung.
-- Henry Ward Beecher

Be proud of your shyness! Whisper it out loud to the world!

We're not here to be happy -- We're here to ruin ourselves, to break our hearts, to love the wrong people, and to die.

The genius of the human brain isn't in what it remembers... it's in what it forgets.
--some Discovery Channel program

hen the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.
-- Julie Andrews, The Sound Of Music (?)

Hype springs eternal.

...Quick-theft bolt...
-- Eric Praetzel(?)

Playing chicken on donorcycles? Natural selection really is dead.
--Jerry Kuch


Born to be mild.
-- 30something

The best solution to a problem is usually the simplest and the last to be found.

Never play leapfrog with a rhinoceros.
-- Wayne & Shuster

I don't mind shootin', as long as the right people get shot.
-- "Dirty Harry" Callahan

"If you persisted in this 'eye-for-an-eye, tooth-for-a-tooth' business, then everyone would end up walking around eyeless and toothless."
"No, not everyone, just the bad guys."
-- ~Babylon 5

Just about any change to the status quo threatens someone.
-- Prabhakar Ragde

When the existence of the Church is threatened, she is released from the commandments of morality. With unity as the end, the use of every means is sanctified, even cunning, treachery, violence, simony, prison, death. For all order is for the sake of the community, and the individual must be sacrificed to the common good.
-- Dietrich von Nieheim, Bishop of Verden De schismate libri III, A.D. 1411

No taxation without misrepresentation!

> Mine says 'Honours' and 'First Class Honours'. Seems our university
> has kept up with the tradition.
Oh yeah, well mine not only says 'honours' and 'first class honours', it also says 'super duper five star extra first class honours'.
--L. C. Hsu, commenting on degree honours

I would defend the liberty of consenting adult creationists to practice whatever intellectual perversions they like in the privacy of their own homes; but it is also necessary to protect the young and innocent.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

I do not feel obliged to believe that same God who endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect had intended for us to forgo their use.
-- Galileo Galilei (1564--1642)

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James (1842--1910)

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.
-- Samuel Johnson (1709--1784)

The purpose of a university is to make students safe for ideas -- not ideas safe for students.
-- Clark Kerr (1911--)

Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one.
-- A. J. Liebling

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.
-- John Stuart Mill (1806--1873)

stick your index fingers into both corners of your mouth. now pull up. that's how the corrado makes you feel.
-- car, jan'93

The first point and click interface - Smith & Wesson

The future's already arrived - it's just not evenly distributed yet.
-- William Gibson

A great idea needs landing gear, not just wings.

Sometimes I wonder if we're living in the same land / Why you wanna be my friend when I / Feel like a juggler running / Out of hands

What, and ruin a perfect .0000 record?
-- tim

Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed.

The Earth is degenerating today. Bribery and corruption abound. Children no longer obey their parents, every man wants to write a book, and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching.
-- Assyrian tablet, c. 2800 BC

Guys, remember this: Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand!

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

I can't talk now, Captain; I have an appointment with eternity and I don't want to be late.
-- Dr. Soren, Star Trek: Generations

Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.
-- Emperor Palpatine, RETURN OF THE JEDI

Half of the results of a good intention are evil;
half the results of an evil intention are good.
-- Sam Clemmons

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.
-- Norman Cousins

Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up.

The higher you soar the smaller you look to those who cannot fly.

If you want something bad enough, you will get it.
When you get it, you may wonder why you wanted it.

A wise man speaks because he has something to say,
a fool because he has to say something.
-- Plato

When money talks, the criminal walks.
-- legal-system proverb

Q: What's the difference between a new wife and a new job?
A: In six months, your job still sucks.
-- proverb

When you flame gold, you only burn away the impurities.
-- P. K.

Don't worry, son. I have it on very good authority that this isn't happening.
-- a senior fighter aircraft pilot to his copilot going into an unofficial battle

What, me hurry?

Somewhere out there, right now, someone is implementing a queueing mechanism -- and getting it wrong!

Hukt on foniks whurkd phor mee.
-- zinger

I feel the need... the need for gratuitous velocity!
-- The Brain

Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 91...2.
-- Chief Wiggum, when he didn't want to be bothered

You can't unscramble scrambled eggs
-- Gershwin

Just because I don't care doesn't meant I don't understand.
-- H.J.S.

Genius, n.: An unique perspective.
-- ~Carl Killen, English teacher

Luke: "I... I don't believe it."
Yoda: "That.. is why you failed."

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

You'll see it when you believe it.

Dogs believe they are humans. Cats believe they are God.

When our outgo exceeds our income, our upkeep becomes our downfall.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off!

THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down.

Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions.
-- Albert Einstein

Velveta cheese has so many preservatives that it doesn't have a shelf life... it has a half life!"

It's wrong to get so involved in making a living you forget to make a life.
-- Jim Rohm

He who laughs last thinks Slowest!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

I put the 'fun' in dysfunctional.

A job worth doing is worth complaining about.
-- Cathy

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
-- Scott Adams

The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.

Some people dream of success, others stay up and make it happen.

If you feel defeated, you are.
-- David Morrill

Anyone who thinks that education is expensive should consider the costs of ignorance.

I'm not here right now. I've gone to go look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

Let's compromise and do it my way!

A woman marries a man hoping that he will change.
A man marries a woman hoping that she won't.
-- proverb

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how gooooood you look.
--David Lee Roth

Repartee: What a person thinks of after he becomes a departee.

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
-- Joseph Heller

Rise above principle and do what's right.
-- Joseph Heller

The most important things in life aren't things.

Luke: "I'm not afraid."
Yoda: "You will be... Yooou will be."

It's a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
-- Albert Einstein

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde.

A man in a relationship trades intimacy to get sex.
A woman in a relationship trades sex to get intimacy.
-- proverb

A true friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away,
a true friend is someone you can use again and again and.....

The greatest power is often simple patience.
-- E. Joseph Cossman

Information is not knowledge.
Knowledge is not wisdom.
Wisdom is not truth.
Truth is not beauty.
Beauty is not love.
Love is not music.
Music is the best.
-- Frank Zappa

The lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Mom: "If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you follow them?"
Me: "Yes. I'd be so depressed about all my friends being dead that I'd probably want to kill myself!"
-- Luise Bacher

There's a girl out there for you, Mike. She's with another guy, but she's out there.
-- The Matt Frewer Show(?)

The answer is 'yes' or 'no', depending on the interpretation.
-- Albert Einstein, in Scientific American, April 1950

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
-- Albert Einstein

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
-- Albert Einstein

The most beautiful thing we can have is the mysterious.
-- Albert Einstein, in Living Philosophies, 1931

Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race.
-- Albert Einstein

The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.
-- Albert Einstein

Politics is a pendulum whose swings between anarchy and tyranny are fueled by perpetually rejuvenated illusions.
-- Albert Einstein

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein

For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks.
--George Bush, during a speech

My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.
--Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

Bite the wax tadpole.
-- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant.
--Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
-- Dick Cavett

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
-- Aldous Huxley

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
-- Will Rogers

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Just remember--when you think all is lost, the future remains.
-- Robert Goddard

Interdigitation, n.: The act of holding hands. These days, both the word and the act are endangered and fun. Try it. Ask your date to INTERDIGITATE with you. Did you get your face slapped? You said it right!
-- Archive of Endangered, Special, or Fun Words

Pogonophobia: n.: The fear of beards.
-- Archive of Endangered, Special, or Fun Words

Sciolist, n.: One who pretends to know all, a blow-hard, who actually knows little or nothing. See also: occasional coworkers, Dilbert inspirations, etc.
-- Archive of Endangered, Special, or Fun Words

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
-- Ralph Mason(?)

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.
-- Dogbert

Communism is the most painful path between Capitalism and Capitalism.
-- Dogbert

An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.
-- Dogbert

Did you know that 42% of statistics are made up on the spot?

Scale: 1/45th
-- Seen on the box for a plastic model UFO

The problem with the future is that it takes so long to show up.
--Yogi Berra

Go as far as you can see;
when you get there
you'll be able to see farther.
-- Thomas Carlyle

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
--Gerry Brooks

Baroque -- not having enough Monet...

The only evidence against evolution are its opponents.

No amount of darkness can put out the light of a single candle.
-- Faith(?)

Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
-- Funny Answers to Science Test Questions

To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
-- Funny Answers to Science Test Questions

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.

I am not a perfectionist! (My parents were!)
-- T-shirt

In the delirium of high concept, it doesn't pay to rain on the parade--no, not even if flowers might afterward grow.
-- Roger Ebert (sarcastically)

It's not what you're doing, it's who you're with.
-- ~Luise Bacher

Hi, and welcome to my humble commode!
-- Beakman

If you have tried your hand at something and failed, the next best thing is to try your head.
-- Anonymous

Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
-- Mark Twain

When all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?
-- Jules Feiffer

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

Improve the postal system -- mail their pay checks!

Me a skeptic?! I hope you have proof.

Behind every great woman -- is her butt.

Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep til noon.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

If I wanted to listen to an asshole I woulda farted.

Friends--the people who stab ya in the front.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
-- Doug Larson

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.
-- George Miller

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
-- Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)

-- James Randi, The Amazing Randi

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Men are most apt to believe what they least understand.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

A fate worse than death: to be married alive.

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

We must believe in free will. We have no choice.

If I buy the steel wool, can you knit me a Porsche?

Take time to smell the roses and eventually you'll inhale a bee.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Millihelen: amount of beauty required to launch one ship.

Junk: Something you need the day after you throw it away...

An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Never trust a skinny cook.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

Even when a man does figure women out... he still can't believe it!

If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.

Is there a lawyer in the house? -=}BLAM{=- Any more?

I think, therefore I am overqualified.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Pun: the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it first.

Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.

Instead of being born again, why not just grow up?

Experience is the comb life gives you after you're bald.

Money talks - mine says goodbye!

Marriage: A sentence, not a word...

A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.

The 'Morning After' pill for men - it changes your blood type.

The buck doesn't even slow down here.

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

Why pay your therapist $90.00 an hour when you can lie to your friends for free?

You lose 100% of the shots you don't take.
-- Wayne Gretsky

Maturity is switching from passive voice to active voice.
-- P. Alder

... ccoommiitteess (aside: don't you think committee looks cooler and is easier to write if we just double every letter and be done with it?).
-- Alex Lopez-Ortiz

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't.

People are not lazy. They simply have impotent goals -- that is, goals that do not inspire them.
-- Anthony Robbins

Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind.
-- Rudyard Kipling

There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the real labour of thinking.
-- Thomas Edison

Everything you read in the newspaper is absolutely true, except for the rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life -- Not exactly beginning with a bang, is it?
-- Maxine

It takes more muscles to frown than to make a quick left jab.
-- Maxine (a play on "It takes more muscles to frown than to smile.")

A friend in need is a friend I can do without.
-- Maxine

Don't count your chickens. And don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi.
-- Maxine

Why do bad things happen to good people?
Because they get in my way.
-- Maxine

It's not easy to rid an old dog of new ticks.
-- Maxine

There's no fool like an old fool, but the young ones are coming right along.
-- Maxine

Why don't psychics ever win the lottery?

In every revolution, there's one man with a vision.
-- Captain Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror," stardate unknown

Violence in reality is quite different from theory.
-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4

Why does life always begin tomorrow?
-- St. Elsewhere

Hey, if any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here, tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody lane, with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, AND I WANT TO LOOK HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE AND I WANT TO TELL HIM WHAT A CHEAP, LYING, NO-GOOD, ROTTEN, FOUR-FLUSHING, LOW-LIFE, SNAKE-LICKING, DIRT-EATING, INBRED, IGNORANT, BLOOD-SUCK, DOG-KISSING, BRAINLESS, HOPELESS, HEARTLESS, BUG-EYED, STIFF-LEGGED, WORM-HEADED SACK OF MONKEY SHIT HE IS!!! Where's the Tylenol?
-- Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers...

Q: What part of a man gets bigger the more you stroke it?
A: His ego, of course.

As I stood before the gates I realized that I never want to be as certain about anything as were the people who built this place.
--Rabbi Sheila Peltz, on her visit to Auschwitz

You can't legislate morality, but you can legislate the appearance of morality.

Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?
-- Rebecca

A ship on the beach is a lighthouse to the sea.
-- Dutch Proverb

The greatest impediment to learning is knowledge.

My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here."
-- Steven Wright

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
-- Janeane Garofalo

You can tell a lot about a person by how excited they are to do the Macarena.
-- Janeane Garofalo

Excerpt from a real courtroom transcript:
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Excerpt from a real courtroom transcript:
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Excerpt from a real courtroom transcript:
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Excerpt from a real courtroom transcript:
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Resistance futile is. Assimilated you will be.
-- Yoda of Borg

We are Fudd of Borg: Pwepawre to be aswimiwated.

We are Porky of Borg: You will be as . . . assa . . . assim . . . oh, forget it.

Shatner of Borg: *You* . . . . Will . . . . Be . . . . Assimilated!

I'm apathetic and I don't care!
-- bumper sticker

Shouldn't you be paying more attention to the road?
-- bumper sticker

I fish, therefore I lie.
-- bumper sticker

Caution! Zero to Horny in 2.5 beers.
-- bumper sticker

My other car is a piece of junk too.
-- bumper sticker

Bank Rule: To get a loan, first prove you don't need it.

9 out of 10 men who try Calems perfer women.

Politics: Poli = Many, Tics = Blood-sucking parasites.

The early bird gets the worm... and the second mouse gets the cheese.

SOUND ADVICE: 90% sound, 10% advice.

Computers run on blue smoke. If it leaks out, they will no longer work.
-- proverb

The first truth is that liberty is not safe if the people tolerate the growth of private power to the point where it becomes stronger than that of their democratic state itself. That, in its essence, is Fascism.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt

300MHz PentiumPro + Microsoft Windows = 4.77MHz 8088.

C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success.
-- Dennis M. Ritchie

And God said: E = .mv. - Ze./r, and there was light.

Black Holes are where God is dividing by zero.

PC Bulletin: Henceforth, sentient computers would like to be known as 'Silicon Intelligences.' 'Artificial Intelligence' is a pejorative term invented by humans based on the mistaken belief that computers are somehow not 'natural.'

I'VE DONE IT!! X^n + Y^n = Z^n NO SOLUTIONS!! IT'S SOOO SIMPLE!!! Too bad I don't have enough space to include it in this .sig file...

This .sig was encrypted using ROT26!

keyboard not connected -- press F1 to continue
-- actual BIOS error message

Life starts at '030, fun starts at '040, impotence starts at '86.

..the variable PI can be given that value [3.141592653589793] with a DATA statement... This simplifies the modifying of the program, should the value of PI ever change.
-- Xerox

Who is this General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

Real Users are always afraid they'll break the machine, but they're never afraid to break your face.

Oh, good call, Luke, ground yourself.
--Dave Peplinski, watching Return of the Jedi

All problems in computer science can be solved by adding an extra level of indirection.
-- Jay Black (in a sardonic tone)

This msg is shareware. If you like it, and read it often, please send $15...
-- Bret Hoeffler

Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
-- Hinds' Seventh Law

Make it possible for programmers to write programs in C, and you will find that programmers cannot write in C.
-- Bruce's Seventh Law

He's dead Jim. You grab his tricorder and I'll get his wallet.

I prefer dark chocolate, especially with nuts, but that doesn't mean I should legislate that you have to eat it.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup

Bub*ba (buh' ba) n. Do not use this term to refer to the customer.
-- Actual entry in AIX Information Development Dictionary.

Rolling balls, naturally, won't just stop in mid-track because an XOFF character has been received.
-- Mark Tildon

I have a bad feeling about this !!!
-- Han Solo ('77,'80,'83)

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.

Two months in the lab can save you two hours in the library.

I am Homer of Borg. Resistance is-- mmmm, donuts ...

The two most renowned products to come out of Berkeley are LSD and UNIX... I don't think this is just coincidence."
-- Anonymous

... Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.

Intel Inside: It's not a trademark, it's a warning.
-- Maxwell Daymon(?)

USER ERROR: Replace user and press any key to continue.

Over the modem, through the phone line, nuthin' but net!

I am McMahon of Borg. You may already have been assimilated.

Windows NT -- from the people who brought you EDLIN!
-- Tommy Hallgren(?)

I am Ohm of Borg. Resistance is voltage divided by electric current.

<Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...>
-- Gregory Seid(?)

have you ever sent a fax, from the beach?
have you ever tucked your kids into bed, from an airport?
have you ever paid a $50,000 phone bill?
you will. and the company to bring it to you? at&t
-- Jack Stefani(?), parodying an AT&T commercial

40 GOTO 30
-- Joe Rumsey

Condition "BRAIN_OVERLOAD$" raised at 5412(0)/12234

No one will ever need more than 640K.
-- Bill Gates

If privacy is outlawed, only outlaws will have privacy.
-- Philip Zimmermann

The Internet should be declared an independent nation, owned by no one and used by everyone.

There is always death and taxes. However death doesn't get worse every year.
-- Robert Merritt(?)

-- Joe(?)

How should a revision level be interpreted? Here's a quick guide for anyone short of a clue:

<0.9 -- Not ready for prime time.
0.9 -- We think it works, but we won't bet our lives on it.
1.0 -- Management is on our case; seems like a low risk.
1.01 -- Okay, we knew about that. All known bugs are fixed.
1.02 -- Fixes bugs you won't see in 27,000 years, i.e. more than three times the age of the universe.
1.03 -- Fixes bugs in the bug fixes.
1.04 -- All right, this REALLY fixes all known bugs.
1.05 -- Fixes bugs introduced in rev 1.04.
1.1 -- A new crew hired to write documentation.
1.11 -- From now on, no comma after "i.e." or "e.g.".
1.2 -- Somebody actually changed a functional feature.
2.0 -- New crew hired to write software. Old crew blamed for bugs.
2.01 -- New crew sending out resumes to placement agencies.
3.0 -- Re-write the software in another language, go back ten squares.
... -- return to line 0.1

If anyone had realized that within 10 years this tiny system that was picked up almost by accident was going to be controlling 50 million computers, considerably more thought might have gone into it.
-- Andy Tanenbaum, talking about MS-DOS

Maxwell's rules of precision:
1: Measure with a micrometer
2: Mark with chalk
3: Cut with an axe

C:\WINDOWS> del *.*

An operating system without virtual memory is an operating system without virtue.
-- Ancient Inca Proverb

I am the terror, that flaps in the night!
I am the net.failure that eats your e-mail.
I, am, Darkw^6%#^ b~=:sY65^%

The RF-4E Phantom - Living proof that if you put a big enough engine on something...even a BRICK could fly!
-- W. Weasel

It's crowded, it's noisy, the music sucks, the food is greasy, the beer tastes like water, there's a high cover charge but the bouncers let their friends in for free, decent conversation is impossible, and you keep getting interrupted by drunken strangers shouting in your ear.
-- Prof. Prabhakar Ragde, describing Usenet News

The Commodore 64 gets a lot more 'bang for the byte' than most giant, bloated computers today!
-- Keith Pomakis & Craig Bruce

Books: You can't grep dead trees.
-- proverb of the things that tools can do is to help bad designers create ghastly designs much more quickly than they ever could in the past.
-- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design"

The correct-English way of expressing the common phrase in Computer Science is "DATUM structures".
-- ~Prof. David Taylor

...and remember, the phrase "software flow control" is only an abbreviation for the phrase "software flow control problem".
-- Bruce McFarling

Linux: Choice of a GNU Generation!
--John M. Morris(?)

Are you my manager or my messenger?!
-- Mike Galluchon, confronting his manager about higher-up decisions

Near as I can tell, complaining about not getting the latest version of Windows is like complaining about not getting the latest version of influenza.
--James Nicoll

A Commodore-64 is like a clitoris - It's small, pretty badly designed, not very powerful, and yet it's one of the best things you'll ever touch..."
-- Anonymous at comp.sys.cbm

Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER

Did you know a super computer can complete an infinite loop in under 10 minutes?

It has been discovered that C++ provides a remarkable facility for concealing the trival details of a program - such as where its bugs are.
-- David Keppel

Top 10 things 95 in Windows 95 stands for:
#7: The number of MHz the processor requires to run it.

I am personally saddened even more by the use to which the incredible power of today's $2000 computer has been put. It is 100 times as powerful as the old Apple II but it doesn't get the work done any faster!
-- Harvey Brown

High-Tech Computer Sales Jargon

NEW -- Different color from previous design
ALL NEW -- Parts not interchangable with previous design
EXCLUSIVE -- Imported product
UNMATCHED -- Almost as good as the competition
DESIGNED SIMPLICITY -- Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
FOOLPROOF OPERATION -- No provision for adjustments
ADVANCED DESIGN -- The advertising agency doesn't understand it
IT'S HERE AT LAST! -- Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
FIELD-TESTED -- Manufacturer lacks test equipment
HIGH ACCURACY -- Unit on which all parts fit
DIRECT SALES ONLY -- Factory had big argument with distributor
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -- We finally got one that works
REVOLUTIONARY -- It's different from our competitiors
BREAKTHROUGH -- We finally figured out a way to sell it
FUTURISTIC -- No other reason why it looks the way it does
DISTINCTIVE -- A different shape and color than the others
MAINTENANCE-FREE -- Impossible to fix
RE-DESIGNED -- Previous faults corrected, we hope...
HAND-CRAFTED -- Assembly machines operated without gloves on
PERFORMANCE PROVEN -- Will operate through the warranty period
MEETS ALL STANDARDS -- Ours, not yours
ALL SOLID-STATE -- Heavy as Hell!
BROADCAST QUALITY -- Gives a picture and produces noise
HIGH RELIABILITY -- We made it work long enough to ship it
SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE -- When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound
NEW GENERATION -- Old design failed, maybe this one will work
MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS -- We got a good deal at a government auction
CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY -- You can return it from most airports
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE -- Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES -- We finally got it to fit together
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED -- Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED -- Does things we can't explain
LATEST AREOSPACE TECHNOLOGY -- One of our techs was laid off by Boeing
-- Richard Lee Holbert

SCULLY: "Mulder, toads just fell from the sky!"
MULDER: "Guess their parachutes didn't open."

Precision always exceeds accuracy.
-- unknown law

I hope you remember that users are malicious idiots.
--Gord Cormack, Real-time Programming Professor

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of .5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle

CRTC: Canadian Roadblock to Telecommunications Competition
-- Terence Corcoran

How many times do you have to be told to take your medications BEFORE posting to usenet??
--Dawn Hammond, insulting another poster

Fire retro rockets, Pinky! ...
I said RETRO rockets!!!!"
-- The Brain

If CompuServe tries to impose community standards that are the lowest common denominator of the 147 countries in which it does business, it won't be the Information SuperHighway, it'll be Sesame Street.
-- Prof. Jeffrey Shallit

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Committee, n.: A group of people that, when given the task of deciding whether to start array indices from either 0 or 1, compromises to declare that they are to start from 0.5.
-- ~Stan Kelly-Bootle

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

The left-hand side = blah. The right-hand side = blah. Therefore, blah = blah.
-- Michael Best, Math professor

Many people don't believe in God, do believe in the eventual heat death of the universe, yet despite that they continue to live and act as if their lives actually meant something.
-- Ray Butterworth(?)

(for "Netscape")

Culture so rich it is replaced every three days...
-- Adrian Pepper, describing Usenet culture

The first point and click interface - Smith & Wesson

C code. C code run. Run, code, run ..... PLEASE!!!!
-- Jennifer Pick(?)

The Internet, of course, is more than just a place to find pictures of people having sex with dogs.
-- Time Magazine, 3/7/95

Fuck the Telecommuncations Decency Act
-- Hakan Svensson(?)

Top 10 things 95 in Windows 95 stands for:
#8: The percentage of old programs that won't work.

Of course, international rules must apply:
1. No references to any posting more than a month old.
2. At least one unsubstantiated anecdote per posting.
3. At least one previous posting quoted out of context.
4. No more than three posters per thread.
5. No citations.
6. Frequent unscheduled appearances on stage, abusive ad-libs, and cries of "What's all this, then?".
7. There is no rule 7."
-- Prof. Prabhakar Ragde, spelling out the rules of Usenet postings

It comes from using Netscape. When a program is easy enough for a drooling idiot to use, a drooling idiot will use it. And fuck up.
-- Dave Brown

AmigaOS, 1985: True Multitasking and a 32-bit OS with 256kB RAM = fast & stable.
PC with Windoze95, 1996: Psuedo Multitasking, 16/32-bit OS with 8MB RAM = slow & unstable.
-- David C. Evola(?)

Local optimization does not necessarily imply global optimization.
-- Prof. L.F. Johnson, UNB

Nothing resolves design issues quite like an implementation.
-- Prof. J.D. Horton, UNB

Of course it's unreadable! Why do you think it's called code???

Speed kills. Switch to Windows95 and save lives!

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
--Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year.
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

But what ... is it good for?
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

Modern computing, the only place where a No Win situation can be a good thing.
-- (not "the") Stephen King(?)

Have you ever commented: "If I drive fast enough at the red light, it'll appear green."
--from the Nerdity Test

In cyberspace, everyone can hear you scream

Dilbert's name for assigning employees to initiatives to try to improve product quality by eating up productive hours, lower morale, and have no impact on profitibility: 'QUALICIDE'.
-- Scott Adams, paraphrased

The best feature of C is portability, while the worst feature of C is its lack of portability.

"gradual student"
-- Scott Adams(?)

Do you like me for my brain or my baud?

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

Millihelen: amount of beauty required to launch one ship.

If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.

The official Canadian DOS prompt..........EH:\>

Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.

29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast.

Said by a professor to his class on assembly and OS programming:
"Fail this course and you'll be sent to the COBOL mines!"

It takes about 30 years for a major advancement in a field of science, because that's how long it takes the credible authorities who are convinced that they're right and won't listen to anyone who disagrees with them to die off.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

Resistance futile is. Assimilated you will be.
-- Yoda of Borg

We are Fudd of Borg: Pwepawre to be aswimiwated.

We are Porky of Borg: You will be as . . . assa . . . assim . . . oh, forget it.

Shatner of Borg: *You* . . . . Will . . . . Be . . . . Assimilated!

I am Billgatus of Borg. You will be assimi GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.
-- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of coding bums.
-- Unix Fortune

Sometimes the front wheels of the car will turn instantly when you turn the steering wheel, sometimes two seconds later, sometimes ten. It all depends on how many other people are using the road at the same time.
--~Prof. W.B. Cowan, Real-Time prof., describing how real-time systems shouldn't work

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
 and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
                -- Mark Twain
"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
 of a divorce."
                -- Don Quinn
"A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
 adds up to be real money."
                -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
"A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose."
                -- Unix Fortune
"A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
 enlightened him with ours."
                -- Unix Fortune
"A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
 as afterward."
                -- Unix Fortune
"A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness."
                -- Unix Fortune
"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
 won't cross the street to vote in a national election."
                -- Bill Vaughan
"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
 wants to read."
                -- Mark Twain
"A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
                -- Unix Fortune
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
                -- Winston Churchill
"A hypothetical paradox:
     What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
 team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of
 Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?"
                -- Tom Galloway
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
                -- Unix Fortune
"A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
 not worth knowing."
                -- Unix Fortune
"A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing."
                -- Unix Fortune
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation."
                -- H. H. Munroe
"A long memory is the most subversive idea in America."
                -- Unix Fortune
"A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power
 off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:
 'You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
 understanding of what is going wrong.'  Knight turned the machine off
 and on.  The machine worked."
                -- Unix Fortune
"A penny saved is ridiculous."
                -- Unix Fortune
"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep."
                -- Unix Fortune
"A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
 undreamed of by its author."
                -- S. C. Johnson
"A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
 replaces it with."
                -- Tennessee Williams
"Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy."
                -- Unix Fortune
"Absence makes the heart go wander."
                -- Unix Fortune
"Absent, adj.:
        Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
                -- Unix Fortune

 Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy
 schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
 spitzensparken.  Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das
 rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.  Relaxen und
 vatch das blinkenlights!!!"
"Acquaintance, n.:
         A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
 enough to lend to."
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Adolescence, n.:
         The stage between puberty and adultery."
                -- Unix Fortune
"Adult, n.:
         One old enough to know better."
                -- Unix Fortune
"After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn."
                -- Unix Fortune
"Afternoon, n.:
         That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
                -- Unix Fortune
"Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
 them keeps paying for it."
                -- Peggy Joyce
"All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
                -- Unix Fortune
"All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors."
                -- Unix Fortune
"All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
 the government in less than a second."
                -- Jim Fiebig
"Abstainer, n.:
        A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"On-line, adj.:
        The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
"You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd."
"First Law of Socio-Genetics:
        Celibacy is not hereditary."
"Cahn's Axiom:
        When all else fails, read the instructions."
"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
        -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
"God is real, unless declared integer."
"A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction."
"Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes."
                -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
"People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
 the future."
"Everything should be built top-down, except the first time."
"Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
        A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead."
"The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
 weather forecasters." -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"Checkuary, n.:
        The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and
        ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on
        his checks."
"The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
 to cringe."
"I doubt, therefore I might be."
"Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
        If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it."
"Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?"
"God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
 and then pulled an all-nighter."
"Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!"
"An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it."
"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It
 eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
 business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
		-- Johnny Hart
"Ignisecond, n.:
	The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
	door even as the brain is saying, 'my keys are in there!'"
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
"Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
 you should."
"Interpreter, n.:
	One who enables two persons of different languages to
	understand each other by repeating to each what it would have
	been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
"Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the
 illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
 much good it did them."
"You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
 for instance."
		-- Franklin P. Jones
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
 tried it." -- Donald Knuth
"In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
 the proper order then why can't he?"
"It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
 warning to others."
"Satellite Safety Tip #14:
	If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck."
"Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else."
"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."
"Fifth Law of Procrastination:
	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
	there is nothing important to do."
"Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
 drip under pressure."
"Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?"
"Ass, n.:
	The masculine of 'lass'."
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
        -- Olivier
"A closed mouth gathers no foot."
"Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!"
"This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
 great force."
		-- Dorothy Parker
"The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy."
"Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes."
"Have an adequate day."
"F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!"
"Stult's Report:
	Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is
	fight the solutions."
"The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
 combination is locked up in the safe."
		-- Peter DeVries
"Aphorism, n.:
 	A concise, clever statement.
 Afterism, n.:
	A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late."
		-- James Alexander Thom
"Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
 it holds the universe together ..."
		-- Carl Zwanzig
"Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
 only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor."
		-- Wernher von Braun
"Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
	That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
	or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
	should have gotten."
"Meskimen's Law:
	There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
	do it over."
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."
		-- Thomas Edison
"Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!"
"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"

"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
		-- MacNelley, "Shoe"
"The reward of a thing well done is to have done it."
		-- Emerson
"Dawn, n.:
	The time when men of reason go to bed."
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Hofstadter's Law:
	It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
	Hofstadter's Law into account."
"'Hello,' he lied."
		-- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while."
"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
 really make them think they'll hate you."
"So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
 praise of intelligence."
		-- Bertrand Russell
"The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
	You can never be sure how many beers you had last night."
"Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
 without his duck ..."  --Gary Larson
"Conway's Law:
	In any organization there will always be one person who knows
	what is going on.

	This person must be fired."
"There is a road to freedom.  Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor,
 Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and
 love of the Fatherland."
		-- Adolf Hitler
"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."  
		-- Victor Borge
"Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired."
		-- R. Geis
"Majority, n.:
	That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law."
"Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat."
"The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are
		-- Ralph Hartley
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
 didn't know."
		-- Mark Twain
"For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill."
		-- R. Clopton
"Positive, adj.:
	Mistaken at the top of one's voice."
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Unnamed Law:
	If it happens, it must be possible."
"Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower."
"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
"Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday"
"Q:  How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
 A:  Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
     light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
     plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
     prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
     assassin to break the bulb in the first place."
"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of
 people waiting to abuse me."
		--Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
 methionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
 	The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protien, a
 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids."
		-- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
		   Preposterous Words
"In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
 are to be treated as variables."
"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
"Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
	Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
	reject the proposal."
"Hindsight is an exact science."
"Spouse, n.:
	Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
	wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single."
"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
"You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi."
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  And littered with
 sloppy analysis!"
"If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants."
		-- A. Einstein.
"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the
 flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
"It's bad luck to be superstitious."
		-- Andrew W. Mathis
"... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
 and you would not have been informed."
"You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother."
"Garbage In -- Gospel Out."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it."
		-- Groucho Marx
"Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
 afraid to break your face."
"Watson's Law:
	The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
	number and significance of any persons watching it."
"Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
 before it is understood."
"CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
	You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
	problems.  They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting
	things off.  That's why you'll never make anything of
	yourself.  Most welfare recipients are Cancer people."
"Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate."
"Decision maker, n.:
	The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
	before the music stopped."
"Furbling, v.:
	Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
	even when you are the only person in line."
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
"Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation."
"The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.  The goal of nature
 is to build better mice."
"Tact, n.:
	The unsaid part of what you're thinking."
"Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured
 programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
 trained.  They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
 clear desks."
"If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up."
"Kinkler's First Law:
	Responsibility always exceeds authority."

"Kinkler's Second Law:
	All the easy problems have been solved."
"Firestone's Law: Chicken Little only has to be right once."
"Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art."
		-- Charles McCabe
"Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
 correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
 (Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
 Americans call him by value."
"All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are
		-- Woody Allen
"The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
 more important to do."
"Variables don't, constants aren't."
"We are all free to choose the inevitable."
"The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat."
        -- John McNulty
"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
 firearms with me.  I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
                -- Steven Wright
"Hlade's Law:
        If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
        will find an easier way to do it."
"By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
 completely overwhelm you."
"Bore, n.:
        A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary."
                -- Walter Winchell
"Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
 is an enemy."
                -- Albert Einstein
"If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?"
"While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
 correctness never does."
"Immortality -- a fate worse than death."
                -- Edgar A. Shoaff
"Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
        Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
        probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
        some useful work done."
"When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
 for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
 your boss is away and you get twice as much done."
                -- Daniel B. Luten
"What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon."
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
 make the rubble bounce."
                -- Winston Churchill
"Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax."
"Lieberman's Law:
        Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens."
"Silverman's Law:
        If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will."
"Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before."
"God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh."
"Ogden's Law:
        The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up."
"Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery."
                -- Jack Paar
"Banectomy, n.:
        The removal of bruises on a banana."
                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
 rearranging their prejudices."
                -- William James
"Jone's Motto:
        Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate."
"Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
        Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
        vividly manifests their lack of progress."
"Real computer scientists don't comment their code.  The identifiers are
 so long they can't afford the disk space."


        An organization for drunks who drive"
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
                -- Lily Tomlin
"Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?"
"It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now
 I'm beginning to believe it."
                -- Clarence Darrow
"Sweater, n.:
        A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly."
"A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam."
"The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
 walk carefully."
                -- Russian Proverb
"Hardware, n.:
        The parts of a computer system that can be kicked."
"Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has
 a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
 storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
 voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
 What's the first question that the computer community asks?

 'Is it PC compatible?'"
"As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error."
                -- Weisert
"All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
"Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
 speak it to?"
                -- Clarence Darrow
"Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball."
"Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier."
"One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
 new model."
"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking."
"Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
 instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
 program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work."
"Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
 busy worrying over what you are thinking about them."
"Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
 tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth."
                -- Nero Wolfe
"Bucy's Law:
        Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man."
"Let us live!!!
 Let us love!!!
 Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

 You first."
"You can't make a program without broken egos."
"Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
 give it back to them."
"Q:  Why did the tachyon cross the road?
 A:  Because it was on the other side."
"When in doubt, use brute force."
                -- Ken Thompson
"Bureaucrat, n.:
        A person who cuts red tape sideways."
                -- J. McCabe
"No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas."
"Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated."
                -- M. C. Reed.
"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to
 choose from."
                -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
"Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
 supposed to do."
                -- R. A. Heinlein
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
                -- Mark Twain
"Admiration, n.:
        Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"One learns to itch where one can scratch."
                -- Ernest Bramah
"You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular."
"Committee, n.:
        A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
 decide that nothing can be done."
                -- Fred Allen
"Court, n.:
        A place where they dispense with justice."
                -- Arthur Train
"The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
 poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
                -- Anatole France
"Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
 just how busy they are."
"Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to
 realize it."
"The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
 by the number of people in the group."
"How come wrong numbers are never busy?"
"Hacker's Law:
        The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
        nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions."
"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
"According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies."
"When all other means of communication fail, try words."
"No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will
 seriously cramp his style."
"Lactomangulation, n.:
        Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk carton so badly
        that one has to resort to using the 'illegal' side."
                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
"They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!"
"Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists."
                -- John Kenneth Galbraith
"Tussman's Law:
        Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come."
"Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
 to work."
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
                -- Walt Disney
"Money is the root of all wealth."

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